Thursday, February 7, 2013

It's been a while

I actually don't mind that I haven't been here for a while.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one

Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!

I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.

I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.

gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment