Bathroom <- this is a horrible title. I'm very sorry

This will be TMI. Just so you know.

I have a very strong relationship with my bathroom. There are positive aspects, like showers and cleaning and fresh towels. I like all that. then they is the other side, the dark side, the one I don't talk about. The toilet wars.

Dun, dun, duh!

I don't eat wheat. No, scratch that, I don't eat wheat, or gluten or anything that has "whe" or malt in it. Except cheese. I eat the hell out of cheese. So, don't eat gluten. this means I don't eat breads or crackers, which would normally provide a large amount of fiber to my diet. So....no fiber. So when I go to the bathroom, that stuff shoots of out me. Unfortunately, that's not the end of this story.

I also eat food that isn't too great for me. for instance, cheese. See my relationship mentioned above? Yeah, I LOVE cheese. I like cheddar, feta, and brie. I like mozzarella, i like soft cheese, and hard cheese and the fake cheese that you buy for nachos and the fake cheese you sprinkle onto your pasta. Me likey cheese. Cheese likes me too. Cheese remains for a long time, if you get my drift. So I can spend a week or two going fiber-lite, with frequent bathroom breaks and all. Then I'll attack some cheese and not go forever. this is what has happened here. Not only do I suffer from eating only the slightest bit of gluten by getting instant bathroom visits (I live out of that bathroom, if you're getting me here) or I can spend the day reading trying to go to the bathroom from an attack of the Cheese. So, 30 degrees outside plus humidity, and I get to hang out in my bathroom trying not to explode and/or cry.

You are very welcome for the visual
Have a great day, and AVOID THE CHEESE.

Dun, dun Duh!!!!

Ha, I'm just kidding. go eat some cheese. Save some for me. I'm getting some feeling back in my legs.

Update for April

I'm writing this at four in the morning. don't judge me, this is when I'm at my best. A lot of stuff has been happening recently. I've been having major trouble at work, but I don't want to talk about that. my older sister Bigger (the second born sister, there are four of us, its hard to use good pseudonyms when I don't want to use something like Talks A Lot or Lives-In-Another-Province. and they are very long to type out.
Soooo, Bigger and her boyfriend of three years broke up earlier this year. She was devastated so all of us went through her emotional upheaval and outbursts. Not that that's new or anything, but she's been slowly getting better. That may change since I now have a new computer in our shared living room. exciting! But kinda stressful. I need to find a version of Microsoft, either legal or *the other kind* ahem, hem because all of my documents are unreadable since they are Microsoft Office and this computer only has Word. I've had the computer for like  six hours and already I'm kinda crazy from not having it.

But today, (uh, yesterday...) was great. I spent it with my mom, Big and my cousin Dude which was great. We had a barbecue with everyone and then I went upstairs and cleaned my room. It feels like a real turning point, because I haven't cleaned in a few months. It has to be the weather, the fresh air the warmness all made me feel like I had all the time in the world. Good gracious, I love summer!

Another big change has been that my eldest sister, Biggest broke up with her husband. They've been together for so long, and quite a few things came out that none of us knew that were really shitty. I'm so confused and disappointed, not really in my sister, but in the loss of the connection of my brother. Its just so new. I'm trying not to judge either since she has a new boyfriend already. but I can't wait to see her this summer. I don't even want to talk about her separation and eventual divorce but just give her a big hug and hang out with her.

Too much change, too much distraction. No writing, hardly any reading and too much sleeping and stressing. But summer's here, summer with his warm breezes and longer daylight hours.

It's been a while

I actually don't mind that I haven't been here for a while.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one

Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!

I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.

I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.

gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.

Tuesday Blues

So today has not been a good day. I woke up way late for school and I felt like a complete failure. Why can't I get my lazy ass out of bed? My day hadn't even started and I felt like crap. I dressed and everything then I went downstairs to see my mom, who usually makes me feel better. To cut to the point, because I could go on and on, I didn't go to school. Although my mom was really calm about it (no punishment, no anger) I was angry with myself. I always feel like a loser on days I stay home and today was no different. Mom, Bigger and I ended up going out, shopping a little and picking up Bigger's boyfriend Stretch to run errands. We stopped at a bunch of places I like, like Value Village where Mom bought me earrings and a bottom for my quilt (which I will post here as I didn't my last one). But all day I couldn't shake the feeling that it was a bad day. We stopped at Big's work and had lunch with her and when she asked why I wasn't at school, I couldn't answer. She said "I care about you, but you won't tell me what's wrong." That's the whole problem, I don't know what's wrong and I don't have the time anymore to figure it out. I want to graduate and have a life, and I can't do that with poor attendance and shitty grades. I have to do better.
     
When we got back, there was a message on the answering machine that informed me that I had missed my practical exam for Vocal class. I was upset, but I had no right to be. I PURPOSELY skipped school today and I have to deal with the consequences. I missed a day with my friends, most of whom are not coming back next year and who I won't see so much over the summer. I missed seeing the boy I liked, and I made myself nervous about asking him out.

To help me get better, to try to help me have more good days than bad, my mom has an idea about how I can help myself. She wants me to start writing down my activities, so I can see what I'm doing during the day and try to fill my life with more things, better things. She even has goals:

1) Volunteer at a least two places, at least once a week
2) A job search done at least once a week with provided rides
3) Exercise at least once a day, just one activity (with the extra weight and the diabetes, this is big)
4) Spend a little time doing a relaxation activity (her term) such as knitting, reading or quilting etc., but not spend my entire day doing this. I think I may have a few relaxation days during the summer just so I can get some writing done, but her idea sounds good.

So. I have goals. I have ambitious that need time, concentration and energy put into them.
I have things to make, things to say and things to do. I have exams to ace! I have a boy to ask out.

Wish me luck.

P.S. What's up with you? Any plans? Any secrets desires that you want spontaneously to burst forth and fill you with energy and determination? Now I'm curious. Go on. :)

I Made Cookies

I don't make cookies. Cookies are generally, yuck. But I made cookies tonight, with tapioca flour, corn starch, potato starch and rice flour, because I'm gluten-free and chocolate, because I'm me. It was mainly for the chocolate, since the 'rents refused to allow me to eat handfuls of chocolate chips. The dough started good, and I ate most of it before cooking, but the cookies. Well...

They sorta spread out and burned a wee bit. Then...

Became FLOWERS! What?! Yay! Hooray! I didn't even realize I could spell hooray. Cool Shit. Anyway. They weren't cooled in the middle, but...

But I ate them anyway. What? There was chocolate.

And I really like pictures.

Ah, with milk. Have a good night everyone.

Things that Happened Since We Last Spoke

  Which occurred sometime last week when I spoke about marble busts. What?, you say. You spoke of marble busts (or is it busks, huh)?! How exciting, how adventurous. Anyway.

1.    Blogger has changed its template (program, oh whatever, its the viewy thing), which I do NOT like. I didn't like the other one either, so you can ignore this one. Wow, I feel like I'm trying to make a list on Microsoft Word, which I cannot do, and everything is fucking up.  
2.    I decided to clean my laptop (aka Marco, yes he does have a name) keyboard. This was a bad idea because a) I had no idea how to pop keys bad into place b) I have split salsa, a whole glass of water and either a smushed raspberry or a strawberry on the whole thing so it is disgusting. I also have four cats, so it is HAIRY in their. But fortunately, armed with a good number of Lysol wipes (which I use for everything. Lysol, honey, you wanna hook me up I could wax on and on about the power of Lysol in all forms. Call me. Uh, well email me. Just get in touch babe.) Right, so the keyboard is clean and all. Well its kinda clean. All the salsa blotches are gone, so yay! Sadly, some of my keys don't like staying put and pop out randomly and the other one enjoy sticking or jamming. Fun times we're having, me and Marco. Dear Marco gonna get a kick in the screen and a trip to the dumpster. Don't fuck with me Marco, I'm warning you. 
3.     I listen to "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People around 43 times today. I think I'm in love. 
4. I wasted, I mean, enjoyed an entire day, an endless ten hours volunteering at the large Petsave. There were around two hundred cats and ten dogs. I was in frickin heaven peeps.

Shit that's gonna/got to happen
1.       I have to reschedule my appointment with my pediatrician. Yes, I have a kid doctor. You pause and probably say, isn't she seventeen? Yeah, I am but the internal doctor I was supposed to have doesn't take any patients younger than eighteen so I got a kiddie doctor. It sucks because I have to sit in a room with little kids every couple of months with my mom. Picture giant me, 5'8, build like a shithouse trying to blend in around three and two year olds. I love hanging out for twenty or thirty minute in an awkward situation. Ever happens again you call me up!
         The situation blows for a second time because my doctor's secretary asked to speak with my mother for my information because apparently I either don't know or am a liar. I know its policy but Christ lady, I'm old enough to be here with my own kid. You think I don't know my own goddamn address? It's funny that they won't take information from you at the age of seventeen but at eighteen I'll what, suddenly become an upstanding citizen and never lie and tell the whole truth? Oh please AND bite me.
          I have to reschedule because I procrastinated (there Mother, I admitted it. Are you happy?) and didn't schedule glucose testing until last Wednesday. The lab could only schedule me on the 15th of Spetember, which is a week before the doctor's appointment and the results take at least two weeks to come back. 
2.       I will be returning to school in under twelve hours. I'm so freaking nervous that I feel like vomiting. More on that later.                                                                         
            This rambling thing that occurs in the posts in very much true. If it doesn't contain rambling then it has probably been edited. I ramble and I try to just let everything flow when I write on here. If I do it here, I suppose, then I won't do it on assignments or essays in school and I (hopefully) won't do it as much at home. So if you don't like it, you can leave, because I'm sure it won't be a changing.                                                         
     Finally, if I go missing or wind up dead, check the laptop for any dents. (Marco probably did it) Heh, love you Marco <smiles winningly> 

Because you need the song stuck in your head too. 

Random Shit

  Oh holy woah! I just discovered an amazing thing. So amazing. It's just freakin fantastic. You can link to a page like this one which is the general page or you can be specific, which I like when you click a link and its for an article that's halfway down the page so you end up not finding it and getting frustrated and you have to go along all confused and shit. So, you can do this amazing, extraordinary thing and be awesome and do this. You would not believe how freaking excited I got over this. I stopped everything I was doing just to show you. How special are you? Huh? Who's special? You are! Sorry, had a puppy moment. 

 I also picked up this fantastic book at my local Chapters. It was only ten bucks instead of the forty it would have been, plus I got an extra ten percent off. It's by the same author who wrote the Time Traveler's Wife and Her Fearful Symmetry. It's a quick read, but I love the pictures and the powerful feeling I got from the book. It's definitely a keeper and probably a read-to-children book, even if it's a little serious. 
  I'm also watching a fucking great tv series. It's so awesome, I don't even want my family members watching it because I don't wanna share. It's funny and serious and I hate her mother cause she's a whiny alcoholic, but other than that, it's great. 

That's Mary and Bobby D in the background. Marshall's gorgeous, but I didn't like the  background of the photos he was in. Heavens I'm picky. 

   Mary is so funny and poor Marshall just loves her and lives with it. It is just so fabulous. I need to find some time to start on the second season. I still have to watch two and three and I can't download the most recent episodes of season four, so I have to wait. Damn. I'm really just trying to spread it out so I don't run out like I did with Sons of Anarchy, like three times. I hate having to wait a whole year for the dvd. Blows big time. 
  Oooh, also made a fab flour-less chocolate cake that blew my mind. And I can make it whenever because a) gluten/wheat free and b) we have all the ingredients almost all the time (the eggs are a maybe, they come and go) And I took a picture of it, because I've been taking pictures of everything to put on the blog and its driving me insane because I see anything AT ALL, I want to photograph it and show you. I share too much. 

I wrote "hello" cause I'm both weird and friendly. Did it with a knife too. So cool. 

Alright, that's it. Go get a life. And watch good tv. And read great books. Oh! and eat chocolate cake. Of course. 

Oh, and, uh, yeah.

   I've been feeling kinda weird in the past few days. I've been lazing around the house, on the computer, watching television and feeling queasy. Currently, Mother and I are watching Will and Grace alongside Stargate SG-1, because obviously we are interesting and full of life. W & G happened because Mother bought one season at a yard sale and we both got hooked. I then ordered the rest of the series at the library. I love my library. We'll go back to that in a minute. 
  Mother owns the entire Stargate franchise (if you don't know what the is, I'm am ashamed for you, and here you go. Yeah, I use Wikipedia. Shut up)It's been about a year since we've watched it, and those were only the later seasons with Vala (I fucking love Vala! She's so awesome.) Mother and I will be doing a marathon, as we did with Buffy earlier this year. Watching Buffy again was so awesome because Big, Bigger, Mother and I watched the early years (Pre-Dawn) about six or seven years ago, so it was great because I couldn't remember some really good episodes from the third and fourth seasons. 
   Side note: I'm watching an episode of Stargate SG-1 (you're surprised, aren't you?) in season 2 called Spirits about exploiting Native Americans, and I'm kinda tired of the nice Indian stereotype). 
   So besides endless marathons, I've been reading the blogs of Lucy March and Jennifer Crusie, and it's tons of fun. March's a Year and Change is interesting, but sometimes it's a little serious, so I go to Crusie's, who's a bit more light hearted and longer with more funny. Crusie also includes snippets from her books, published and unpublished and her journeys with other writers and her collaborators (Eileen Dreyer, Anne Stuart and Bob Mayer, there are more, but I'm not that far in the archives). It's freaking fabulous. 
   I also have to watch the two series, In Plain Sight and Murphy Brown. For Murphy Brown, I'm reading the book, What Would Murphy Brown Do?, a series of essays about feminism and women power in sitcoms. I'm kinda only reading it because I typed Murphy Brown in at the library and the book popped up. 
  I fell queasy because I've been eating gluten, including one dumpling, which tasted delicious but did not feel good an hour later. I also ate about seven bowls of cereal over the last few days that doesn't have an gluten/wheat products in it, but contained oat flour, which is generally contaminated by wheat in the processing plants. Oh, I didn't mention it before? I don't eat gluten because it fucks me up. I don't think I have celiac disease, but I believe I could have an intolerance or allergy. We'll see, with some tests upcoming. 
  Another little medical drama is that I have been clinically diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). Yay! I`m actually quite nice to have a confirmed diagnosis and a solid answer to all the shit that I`ve been going through since I was ten. Although, now I know that it is gonna be difficult for me to concieve and the weight is probably never going to come off, no matter how much I exercise (or I`ll gain it back). But the really serious parts, the heart disease and the diabetes are two risks I`m almost guaranteed to have, especially since I already have diabetes. Yay! Didn't I mention that? Oops. 
   My keyboard is so fucked up, I have to google `question mark`then copy and paste it because my computer is a bilingual bitch. 
   Big is also in the Other Province with Biggest and will be there for another week. It sucks cause I miss her. And what sucks even worse is that Mother told Big on the telephone, so there goes all my cool.   
   And I forgot. My library is so awesome because they buy tons of books I love or get me books from other libraries when they can`t get it. All the librarians love me as well because I go almost every day. Their love is even more fabulous because they usually glare or don`t like all the other people I hang out with, which makes me special. 


“In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.” Teal`c to Colonel Maybourne. I hate Maybourne, he`s such a fucking asshole.   


I just read this article. It was so funny. Don`t read it if you`re at work or around people you get embarrassed around. 


Tootles. Ha, spell check said that was a word. Score!