The first time I had my period...
Me: Oh God! The pain dear God, the pain! This isn't normal
My mother (calmly reading a magazine beside me): Yes it is.
Me: No, this is more intense. It feels like Alien is ripping out of me. If the bed disintegrates from acid and Sigourney Weaver shows up, I totally get to say "I told you so".
My mother: Uh-huh.
Me: Oh, the pain! The agony! This is all my ovaries fault.
The ovaries (specifically the right one): Ah-ha! Our evil plans have been discovered!
Me: Yes they have you cunts. Now make it stop.
The ovaries (in that snotty voice that makes me go homicidal) : Nope.
Me: I`ll feed you chocolate.
The uterus: Hey! If anyone`s getting chocolate, it`s me.
The ovaries: Yeah, chocolate`s out. Eddie gets first dibs.
The uterus: Me asshole.
Me: Really? (after a sharp pain rips through my body at the force of a Level 5 hurricane) Alright then. (I say as I`m curled in the fetal position)
The ovaries: Okay, what else you got.
Me: Sugar? (I whimper)
The ovaries: We get that all the time. Why do you think you`re fat and have diabetes?
Me: Oh right. A warm bubble bath (I say unenthusiastically)
The ovaries: If all you got is this shit, we`ll just go back to work.
Me: You know what!? This is my body. Stop fucking killing me.
The ovaries: Bite me! Uh, us, I, no, we mean. Shit that was confusing.
Me (calm. scary calm): You know, I could just get rid of you...
The ovaries: She can do that?!? (scared, whimpering voices)
The brain: Yes, she can. Now, shut up you dumb bitches. I`m napping.
Everyone: We know!
My mother: Did you just give your ovaries, uterus and brain voices?
Me: Uh, yes?
Pause break as we both consider whether this qualifies me as a `crazy`
My mother: That bit about getting rid of the ovaries was kinda funny.
Me: Really? (All pain forgotten as I bask in the glow of accomplishment and someone finally noticing that I`m kinda funny.)
My mother: Still in pain?
Me: Oh, God the agony! It`s all coming back! Call the doctor! Call a priest! I want my last rites. I won`t survive the night! Ahhhhhhhhh!
My mother sighs: I shouldn`t have said anything.
See, weird things happen when I have 1500 mg of Advil in me and I`m in immense pain.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
When I'm bored and need something happy but not too happy, I listen to this. I never would have known the song if it weren't for Jenny Crusie, a fantastic writer who included the song in her most recent novel, Maybe This Time. I'm a major Crusie fan and a major Bonnie Raitt fan. Hope you like it as much as I do.
* It takes a few seconds to work.
* It takes a few seconds to work.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I didn't die, but the Beltane and Cinco de Mayo celebrations did tire me out.
All the drugs and excessive booze.
Oh, and the orgies, motor biking and Trivial Pursuit marathons were excruciatingly long and active, but DAMN they were fun.
I'm just kidding, I'm a loser who did hardly anything for the holidays except watch British comedies and eat an excessive amount of popcorn. But that's every night, so it doesn't really count.
I did go away for the weekend. I went to my cousins' house in ruralist (IT'S A WORD, spell check, SHUT UP) Canada and played endless hours on pool on their garage table. Which is dented so that all the balls fall to one of the side pockets, but its a pool table people, don't bitch. (Direct quote from my cousin) I played so much that my right shoulder and my hips were throbbing by the time my Dad and I headed home. Dad caught pike and I played pool and listened to English football because I was trying to achieve the British pub atmosphere. I did fail, thanks for asking. But I had fun and really really want to return to ruralist cousins' house in the near future, but I don't have any money to either pay for gas so one of my parents will drive me or to go on a decapitating Greyhound bus. Any suggestions on how to procure this cash to visit my fun and abnormal relatives?
So, anyways, after I returned home, to do my homework that was due in less than 24 hours, most of those hours going to be spent with me sleeping, a tiny black surprise awaited me in the backyard. A kitten! One I soon shed tears for so I could keep. And keep her I did. For now. I hope.
So, that was my last ten days. How were yours?
P.S. I've read several blogs where people ask questions at the end of the post. You don't have to answer, but I thought it would be a good way to open up or announce yourself if you're just traipsing through. I'll probably forget to do it.
P.P.S. It does seem a bit creepy, eh? Maybe I won't do it.
P.P.P.S. I also went to the doctor's! I'll talk about that later. Maybe. If you're good.
P.P.P.P.S. Wow, you really read this far. Bravo and/or Brava. Verra cool dude.