June 16

I've been focusing on music and tv lately. I quit my job in May, which was awesome and am not really searching for a new one. So I watch movies and listen to music. I've memorized the words to When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars and Pontoon by Big Little Town. And I do sing them better. Its nice to just sit upstairs and belt away my favourites and relax. Jesus, I am relaxed. don't get me wrong, I understand that I need a job, I need to help pay bills, start putting away for a house, need to finish up my high school and unattatch myself from my mother. But for today, and maybe even tomorrow, this is nice.
We have a tornado warning in effect, its storming every ten minutes but its nice. I adore stormy weather, so this is a little perfect. Two sisters just left after father's day dinner and the eldest is coming in July. My parents are still struggling with bills, I'm still in a slump, my grandmother is still manipulating and favouring all her other children over my mother, one of my sisters is still an asshole, but I'LL BE OKAY. I think that's what I have to remember, what I have to keep repeating. Is that I WILL get better and I WILL succeed. I need to do it for my mom and my dad and the sisters and to write all the books, and for me. I can't keep letting the depression kill me, stop letting it control my life and my actions. I need to write everyday, and I need to see my friends, and I need to read and I need a job. Geez, I'm exhausted. Talk to you later

Update for April

I'm writing this at four in the morning. don't judge me, this is when I'm at my best. A lot of stuff has been happening recently. I've been having major trouble at work, but I don't want to talk about that. my older sister Bigger (the second born sister, there are four of us, its hard to use good pseudonyms when I don't want to use something like Talks A Lot or Lives-In-Another-Province. and they are very long to type out.
Soooo, Bigger and her boyfriend of three years broke up earlier this year. She was devastated so all of us went through her emotional upheaval and outbursts. Not that that's new or anything, but she's been slowly getting better. That may change since I now have a new computer in our shared living room. exciting! But kinda stressful. I need to find a version of Microsoft, either legal or *the other kind* ahem, hem because all of my documents are unreadable since they are Microsoft Office and this computer only has Word. I've had the computer for like  six hours and already I'm kinda crazy from not having it.

But today, (uh, yesterday...) was great. I spent it with my mom, Big and my cousin Dude which was great. We had a barbecue with everyone and then I went upstairs and cleaned my room. It feels like a real turning point, because I haven't cleaned in a few months. It has to be the weather, the fresh air the warmness all made me feel like I had all the time in the world. Good gracious, I love summer!

Another big change has been that my eldest sister, Biggest broke up with her husband. They've been together for so long, and quite a few things came out that none of us knew that were really shitty. I'm so confused and disappointed, not really in my sister, but in the loss of the connection of my brother. Its just so new. I'm trying not to judge either since she has a new boyfriend already. but I can't wait to see her this summer. I don't even want to talk about her separation and eventual divorce but just give her a big hug and hang out with her.

Too much change, too much distraction. No writing, hardly any reading and too much sleeping and stressing. But summer's here, summer with his warm breezes and longer daylight hours.

It's been a while

I actually don't mind that I haven't been here for a while.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one

Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!

I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.

I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.

gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.