It's been a while

I actually don't mind that I haven't been here for a while.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one

Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!

I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.

I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.

gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.

Tuesday Blues

So today has not been a good day. I woke up way late for school and I felt like a complete failure. Why can't I get my lazy ass out of bed? My day hadn't even started and I felt like crap. I dressed and everything then I went downstairs to see my mom, who usually makes me feel better. To cut to the point, because I could go on and on, I didn't go to school. Although my mom was really calm about it (no punishment, no anger) I was angry with myself. I always feel like a loser on days I stay home and today was no different. Mom, Bigger and I ended up going out, shopping a little and picking up Bigger's boyfriend Stretch to run errands. We stopped at a bunch of places I like, like Value Village where Mom bought me earrings and a bottom for my quilt (which I will post here as I didn't my last one). But all day I couldn't shake the feeling that it was a bad day. We stopped at Big's work and had lunch with her and when she asked why I wasn't at school, I couldn't answer. She said "I care about you, but you won't tell me what's wrong." That's the whole problem, I don't know what's wrong and I don't have the time anymore to figure it out. I want to graduate and have a life, and I can't do that with poor attendance and shitty grades. I have to do better.
     
When we got back, there was a message on the answering machine that informed me that I had missed my practical exam for Vocal class. I was upset, but I had no right to be. I PURPOSELY skipped school today and I have to deal with the consequences. I missed a day with my friends, most of whom are not coming back next year and who I won't see so much over the summer. I missed seeing the boy I liked, and I made myself nervous about asking him out.

To help me get better, to try to help me have more good days than bad, my mom has an idea about how I can help myself. She wants me to start writing down my activities, so I can see what I'm doing during the day and try to fill my life with more things, better things. She even has goals:

1) Volunteer at a least two places, at least once a week
2) A job search done at least once a week with provided rides
3) Exercise at least once a day, just one activity (with the extra weight and the diabetes, this is big)
4) Spend a little time doing a relaxation activity (her term) such as knitting, reading or quilting etc., but not spend my entire day doing this. I think I may have a few relaxation days during the summer just so I can get some writing done, but her idea sounds good.

So. I have goals. I have ambitious that need time, concentration and energy put into them.
I have things to make, things to say and things to do. I have exams to ace! I have a boy to ask out.

Wish me luck.

P.S. What's up with you? Any plans? Any secrets desires that you want spontaneously to burst forth and fill you with energy and determination? Now I'm curious. Go on. :)