I've been focusing on music and tv lately. I quit my job in May, which was awesome and am not really searching for a new one. So I watch movies and listen to music. I've memorized the words to When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars and Pontoon by Big Little Town. And I do sing them better. Its nice to just sit upstairs and belt away my favourites and relax. Jesus, I am relaxed. don't get me wrong, I understand that I need a job, I need to help pay bills, start putting away for a house, need to finish up my high school and unattatch myself from my mother. But for today, and maybe even tomorrow, this is nice.
We have a tornado warning in effect, its storming every ten minutes but its nice. I adore stormy weather, so this is a little perfect. Two sisters just left after father's day dinner and the eldest is coming in July. My parents are still struggling with bills, I'm still in a slump, my grandmother is still manipulating and favouring all her other children over my mother, one of my sisters is still an asshole, but I'LL BE OKAY. I think that's what I have to remember, what I have to keep repeating. Is that I WILL get better and I WILL succeed. I need to do it for my mom and my dad and the sisters and to write all the books, and for me. I can't keep letting the depression kill me, stop letting it control my life and my actions. I need to write everyday, and I need to see my friends, and I need to read and I need a job. Geez, I'm exhausted. Talk to you later
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Update for April
I'm writing this at four in the morning. don't judge me, this is when I'm at my best. A lot of stuff has been happening recently. I've been having major trouble at work, but I don't want to talk about that. my older sister Bigger (the second born sister, there are four of us, its hard to use good pseudonyms when I don't want to use something like Talks A Lot or Lives-In-Another-Province. and they are very long to type out.
Soooo, Bigger and her boyfriend of three years broke up earlier this year. She was devastated so all of us went through her emotional upheaval and outbursts. Not that that's new or anything, but she's been slowly getting better. That may change since I now have a new computer in our shared living room. exciting! But kinda stressful. I need to find a version of Microsoft, either legal or *the other kind* ahem, hem because all of my documents are unreadable since they are Microsoft Office and this computer only has Word. I've had the computer for like six hours and already I'm kinda crazy from not having it.
But today, (uh, yesterday...) was great. I spent it with my mom, Big and my cousin Dude which was great. We had a barbecue with everyone and then I went upstairs and cleaned my room. It feels like a real turning point, because I haven't cleaned in a few months. It has to be the weather, the fresh air the warmness all made me feel like I had all the time in the world. Good gracious, I love summer!
Another big change has been that my eldest sister, Biggest broke up with her husband. They've been together for so long, and quite a few things came out that none of us knew that were really shitty. I'm so confused and disappointed, not really in my sister, but in the loss of the connection of my brother. Its just so new. I'm trying not to judge either since she has a new boyfriend already. but I can't wait to see her this summer. I don't even want to talk about her separation and eventual divorce but just give her a big hug and hang out with her.
Too much change, too much distraction. No writing, hardly any reading and too much sleeping and stressing. But summer's here, summer with his warm breezes and longer daylight hours.
Soooo, Bigger and her boyfriend of three years broke up earlier this year. She was devastated so all of us went through her emotional upheaval and outbursts. Not that that's new or anything, but she's been slowly getting better. That may change since I now have a new computer in our shared living room. exciting! But kinda stressful. I need to find a version of Microsoft, either legal or *the other kind* ahem, hem because all of my documents are unreadable since they are Microsoft Office and this computer only has Word. I've had the computer for like six hours and already I'm kinda crazy from not having it.
But today, (uh, yesterday...) was great. I spent it with my mom, Big and my cousin Dude which was great. We had a barbecue with everyone and then I went upstairs and cleaned my room. It feels like a real turning point, because I haven't cleaned in a few months. It has to be the weather, the fresh air the warmness all made me feel like I had all the time in the world. Good gracious, I love summer!
Another big change has been that my eldest sister, Biggest broke up with her husband. They've been together for so long, and quite a few things came out that none of us knew that were really shitty. I'm so confused and disappointed, not really in my sister, but in the loss of the connection of my brother. Its just so new. I'm trying not to judge either since she has a new boyfriend already. but I can't wait to see her this summer. I don't even want to talk about her separation and eventual divorce but just give her a big hug and hang out with her.
Too much change, too much distraction. No writing, hardly any reading and too much sleeping and stressing. But summer's here, summer with his warm breezes and longer daylight hours.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
It's been a while
I actually don't mind that I haven't been here for a while.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one
Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!
I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.
I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.
gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.
Wow, I can't believe I'm starting with a lie.
Let's go again! Alright, three, two, one
Hello readers (all 2 (ha!) of you)!
I haven't posted in about three months. And no, I cannot go back to the main page to see what the actual date of my last post was because I'm lazy.
I've been suffering from a bad bout of depression since Christmas and spend most of my days sleeping or playing Scrabble on the Facebook. I've now changed medications and am slowly increasing my dosage. The only downside to this new medications is the very vivid (and violent) dreams I have. For instead, in a three night streak, I had a dream that I was murdered and had to solve my own murder (lazy living people. Just lazy), then the next night I had a dream I was raped and living through the trauma and for the grand finale, I lost a child in pregnancy. What a wonderful way to wake up. Happy Happy Happy! Last night I dreamed I was killed by a biker gang looking for my Buick. Yeah, these bitches are specific.
But really, let us move on from that. Some positive at the moment (we're gonna ignore all the negative because they give me headaches and cause me to wake up at three in the morning and vomit.) yeah, so Positive!
1. I'm listening to Bruce Springsteen's album Born in the U.S.A, which is one of my absolute favourites. I know all the words and I might dance around in my room to the music.
2. I'm beating at least three people on the Facebook Scrabble at the moment, which is fantastic! And now I've just jinxed myself, so, happy happy, you bloody idiot.
3. I'm going to an indoor yard sale tomorrow and hopefully Value Village and our local used book store. Three of my absolute favourite places in town, since I can acquire cheap books there. Hooray!
4. I've used so many sarcastic exclaimation points in this post, I'm almost giddy. (Everyone except the last one. Do not use sarcastic exclaimation points about my books. I will cut you.)
5. Not really positive, but I'm going to a party on Saturday. I don't actually like the context of the party since I have to spend money, but I like most of the people going, so, uh cool.
6. I finished my quilt! YAY! I need to take a picture and I should show what I did with all those knitted squares. I really like the results and my parents do too. (They're the ones that received it for Christmas)
7. Mardi Gras' coming up. I am so not Catholic, but I really like the idea of parades and masks, so Mardi Gras is my jam. I do plan to go down to New Orleans before I'm 25 so I can experience the real thing.
8. I'm getting paid tomorrow. That means I get to buy food. Once again, Woohoo!
I really can't think of anything else, and now am kinda bummed that I only found eight things that I'm actually excited about. My grandmother has some autoimmune disease, Bigger broke up with Stretch, Big isn't speaking to Mom because Big hasn't gotten my nephew (he's a dog, BTW) his shots and Mom is upset about that, Mom found a bug in Baby's (my cat) fur. I open on Saturday, which blows. My next pay will be tiny since I took a week off to go visit my cousin. And it's still snowing.
I guess you gotta take the good with the bad, but at the moment, my head is more occupied with darkness than any light. I'm not a danger to myself, but I feel empty most of the time, and listless for the other parts. Finding things I like or love has been a struggle, but as I do I get obsessed then exhausted with my efforts. I've lost my appetite, for life, food, information. I can't read most books through unless its an obsession (one series in particular). I force myself to eat and I stress over everything. The future looks bleak and the world looks bleak. I wish it would stop, but the depression is always here, always keeping me company. They say depression is like a black dog, but I love dogs. My depression is an uninvited guest, who makes you uneasy and uncomfortable while taking your time and your space. It's fucking wretched to say the least. I don't know what I'll do.
I'll try to post soon, so no one worries too much, but for the moment, this is all I can say.
gotta go guys. may your troubles leave you soon.
Friday, October 5, 2012
I'm Back!
I was rereading an old draft from back in June (maybe May?) when I received devastating news. It was titled WTF? since I'm very much to the point. Obviously.
"Just one thing, a tiny thing that kinda just shook my brain up.
1) The Pittsburgh Penguins traded Jordan Staal to Carolina. What? What happened? I'm starting to tear a little. This is just? Just, WHY? Why would you do this? How could this happened? I think I'm in shock. And
2) He's now married. What? Why wasn't I informed!? This is angry. That's three out of four Staals married and I'm pissed. What is with these cute guys getting married? Why don't they wait until they're forty then get it over with? Don't they understand the rules? Next thing you know, Sidney Crosby will be getting married.....OMG. Please don't let this happen. I'm venerable enough. I don't need that as well. Oh, Hockey Gods, please don't do this to me!"
I read it, and I go...So? Who cares that he plays for Carolina and is married? BTW, Marc-Andre Fleury also got married this summer, although he's too French for me. But really, all I want is my hockey BACK! I don't care who plays for who, I don't give a shit who's married. I WANT TO WATCH HOCKEY! You got that NHL? You guys are being dicks.
In other news, since I haven't written (wrote? I am not a grammar bug) since June or July, there is a multitude of things that have occurred. First, I got a job. Little convenience store no biggie, good hours not tons of work and good people to work with. Or so I thought..... Apparently, I had been accusing people of stealing and hadn't even known about it. How did I not realize you ask? There's two answers: either I've developed a sever but short case of amnesia, or b) someone has been lying/taking my words out of context. Yes that's three, but shut up. So basically I'm pissed. I don't want to work with two girls you've lied about me and said I accused them of something I would never ever suggest. And my manager won't tell me who they are! So every time I go into work, I'll look at my coworker wondering if she's the one. Did she go and lie to the manager about me? Does she thinks that she's won. I haven't worked since the accusations reached me because I've been sick, but now my manager probably thinks I look weak (especially since I cried because a) this is my first job, b) my first major problem and c) I'd been taking very strong hormone medication to deal with the PCOS. So, yeah, work kinda sucks ass now.
Okay, now the summer is over. It's freezing here, and its the beginning of October. I haven't been to school in a week because I've been sick, but my track record before that wasn't great either. I haven't seen my counsellor in months, since about the end of May and am feeling real low. I'm going to have to get a new one (Damn!) and rehash everything from the past four years. Wow, I hadn't really realized it's been four years. I'm old.
But, I know that I want to get a computer of my own up and running before the end of October. I'm gonna make Big and Big's Boyfriend a quilt for Christmas and I think a medium size pillow/bed for their dog. I have no idea what to get Bigger and her boyfriend, and what I should do for my eldest sis out in Saskatchewan. But I'll figure it out.
I've got one of my stories outlined (Yay! Applause!) and now I have to start writing it. I think I'll change it to third person omniscient and include journal entries from the main character's point of view. This is a big step, since I've had the characters and the setting and the whole world created for years now, but the characters (mainly the protagonist) didn't possess enough flaws to make a good plot, so I couldn't do anything with it. But I fixed that! Yay!
So I think that's all for now. I've been reading Refab with Anne Stuart that's giving me ideas about goals and how to deal with certain things (ie. Anne Stuart is overweight like me and has depression like me) so I'm gonna set some goals for myself as well.
1. Start writing. Even a little
2. If I don't feel like writing fiction, come on the blog and yammer here. No one reads anything, so I'm perfectly safe.
3. Apply for new job.
4. Smaller portion (made a good plan already!) and no eating after nine.
5. Slow down on the books
5. Spend wisely.
Alright, that's it. Everyone have a good day/night and I'll see you soon!
P.S. Did you know that Blogger doesn't recognize Yay? Isn't that sad? Or is that just me?
"Just one thing, a tiny thing that kinda just shook my brain up.
1) The Pittsburgh Penguins traded Jordan Staal to Carolina. What? What happened? I'm starting to tear a little. This is just? Just, WHY? Why would you do this? How could this happened? I think I'm in shock. And
2) He's now married. What? Why wasn't I informed!? This is angry. That's three out of four Staals married and I'm pissed. What is with these cute guys getting married? Why don't they wait until they're forty then get it over with? Don't they understand the rules? Next thing you know, Sidney Crosby will be getting married.....OMG. Please don't let this happen. I'm venerable enough. I don't need that as well. Oh, Hockey Gods, please don't do this to me!"
I read it, and I go...So? Who cares that he plays for Carolina and is married? BTW, Marc-Andre Fleury also got married this summer, although he's too French for me. But really, all I want is my hockey BACK! I don't care who plays for who, I don't give a shit who's married. I WANT TO WATCH HOCKEY! You got that NHL? You guys are being dicks.
In other news, since I haven't written (wrote? I am not a grammar bug) since June or July, there is a multitude of things that have occurred. First, I got a job. Little convenience store no biggie, good hours not tons of work and good people to work with. Or so I thought..... Apparently, I had been accusing people of stealing and hadn't even known about it. How did I not realize you ask? There's two answers: either I've developed a sever but short case of amnesia, or b) someone has been lying/taking my words out of context. Yes that's three, but shut up. So basically I'm pissed. I don't want to work with two girls you've lied about me and said I accused them of something I would never ever suggest. And my manager won't tell me who they are! So every time I go into work, I'll look at my coworker wondering if she's the one. Did she go and lie to the manager about me? Does she thinks that she's won. I haven't worked since the accusations reached me because I've been sick, but now my manager probably thinks I look weak (especially since I cried because a) this is my first job, b) my first major problem and c) I'd been taking very strong hormone medication to deal with the PCOS. So, yeah, work kinda sucks ass now.
Okay, now the summer is over. It's freezing here, and its the beginning of October. I haven't been to school in a week because I've been sick, but my track record before that wasn't great either. I haven't seen my counsellor in months, since about the end of May and am feeling real low. I'm going to have to get a new one (Damn!) and rehash everything from the past four years. Wow, I hadn't really realized it's been four years. I'm old.
But, I know that I want to get a computer of my own up and running before the end of October. I'm gonna make Big and Big's Boyfriend a quilt for Christmas and I think a medium size pillow/bed for their dog. I have no idea what to get Bigger and her boyfriend, and what I should do for my eldest sis out in Saskatchewan. But I'll figure it out.
I've got one of my stories outlined (Yay! Applause!) and now I have to start writing it. I think I'll change it to third person omniscient and include journal entries from the main character's point of view. This is a big step, since I've had the characters and the setting and the whole world created for years now, but the characters (mainly the protagonist) didn't possess enough flaws to make a good plot, so I couldn't do anything with it. But I fixed that! Yay!
So I think that's all for now. I've been reading Refab with Anne Stuart that's giving me ideas about goals and how to deal with certain things (ie. Anne Stuart is overweight like me and has depression like me) so I'm gonna set some goals for myself as well.
1. Start writing. Even a little
2. If I don't feel like writing fiction, come on the blog and yammer here. No one reads anything, so I'm perfectly safe.
3. Apply for new job.
4. Smaller portion (made a good plan already!) and no eating after nine.
5. Spend wisely.
Alright, that's it. Everyone have a good day/night and I'll see you soon!
P.S. Did you know that Blogger doesn't recognize Yay? Isn't that sad? Or is that just me?
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