An Awkward Post. Yay!

The first time I had my period...


Me: Oh God! The pain dear God, the pain! This isn't normal
My mother (calmly reading a magazine beside me): Yes it is. 
Me: No, this is more intense. It feels like Alien is ripping out of me. If the bed disintegrates from acid and Sigourney Weaver shows up, I totally get to say "I told you so".
My mother: Uh-huh. 
Me: Oh, the pain! The agony! This is all my ovaries fault. 
The ovaries (specifically the right one): Ah-ha! Our evil plans have been discovered!
Me: Yes they have you cunts. Now make it stop. 
The ovaries (in that snotty voice that makes me go homicidal) : Nope. 
Me: I`ll feed you chocolate. 
The uterus: Hey! If anyone`s getting chocolate, it`s me. 
The ovaries: Yeah, chocolate`s out. Eddie gets first dibs. 
Me: Eddie?
The uterus: Me asshole.
Me: Really? (after a sharp pain rips through my body at the force of a Level 5 hurricane) Alright then. (I say as I`m curled in the fetal position)
The ovaries: Okay, what else you got. 
Me: Sugar? (I whimper)
The ovaries: We get that all the time. Why do you think you`re fat and have diabetes?
Me: Oh right. A warm bubble bath (I say unenthusiastically)
The ovaries: If all you got is this shit, we`ll just go back to work.
Me: You know what!? This is my body. Stop fucking killing me. 
The ovaries: Bite me! Uh, us, I, no, we mean. Shit that was confusing. 
Me (calm. scary calm): You know, I could just get rid of you...
The ovaries: She can do that?!? (scared, whimpering voices)
The brain: Yes, she can. Now, shut up you dumb bitches. I`m napping. 
Everyone: We know!


My mother: Did you just give your ovaries, uterus and brain voices?
Me: Uh, yes?
Pause break as we both consider whether this qualifies me as a `crazy` 
My mother: That bit about getting rid of the ovaries was kinda funny.
Me: Really? (All pain forgotten as I bask in the glow of accomplishment and someone finally noticing that I`m kinda funny.)
My mother: Still in pain?
Me: Oh, God the agony! It`s all coming back! Call the doctor! Call a priest! I want my last rites. I won`t survive the night! Ahhhhhhhhh!  
My mother sighs: I shouldn`t have said anything.     


See, weird things happen when I have 1500 mg of Advil in me and I`m in immense pain.